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| Shirlee Press |
By Shirlee Press
It started small, as most things do, when
my daughter insisted on brushing her teeth by herself.
Only three months
shy of her fourth birthday, she began flexing her “big girl” muscles more and
more, which forced my husband and I to start setting limits around her newfound
independence.
We have been
adjusting those limits by necessity; having a busy and very mobile one-year-old
means we can’t always be there for the big sister. So she now goes to the
bathroom, picks her clothes, gets dressed, brushes her teeth, and washes her
hands, all by herself.
She has also been
given more leeway at her daycare to work on those “big girl” abilities and
comes home to test the limits. This is where the friction kicks in.
“I can do whatever
I want.”
“You have to
listen to my words.”
“You can’t tell me
what to do.”
“Oh, yes I can.
I’m the mommy and I get to make the rules. When you’re a mommy you can make the
rules.”
As I quickly found
out, telling her how things work just doesn’t… work.
So what is a
parent to do?
I really struggled
with this at first and still do. I’m a stubborn person and I have (perhaps I
deserve) two equally-stubborn daughters. How can I look myself in the mirror as
a mother when my four-year-old can outsmart me in an argument?
Learning to pick
my battles has been humbling.
The other night
she tried to get me to put back a stool she used to reach the light switch by
herself. I dug in – trying to teach her to put away things she takes out – but
it quickly spiralled out of control. The next thing I knew, I was holding the
door shut while she screamed and smashed the stool against the door on the
other side. #parentingfail
What my husband
and I have found most helpful is reframing the situation. We tell her to use
her “nice words” to see how we respond. We give her choices for meals, which
means we have to respect her decision even if we don’t like it (unless she asks
for chocolate).
We are really
trying to explain why we need to do something she may not like and offer her an
activity she will like later on. And we find new ways to make her feel in
charge or give her small responsibilities, such as keeping an eye on her
younger sister while they play, even if we are watching over her shoulder.
And let’s face it:
old-fashioned bribery works perfectly in a pinch. After all, we can’t be
perfect.
It comes down to
giving her a feeling of being in control as much as possible. That doesn’t mean
an end to tantrums, but limits the impossible-to-win situations we find
ourselves in.
But all this
independence is a double-edged sword.
Our girls are
young and clingy, and that means I often find myself feeling guilty about
craving some space. The guilt comes from knowing this time is so short, and as
their independence grows, their need for their parents will begin to diminish.
“Just wait until
they’re teenagers,” our parents often remind us.
Yes, I try not to
think about that.
After the stool
incident, my husband told me a story his mother likes to tell in these
situations. When he was about four years old, he wanted to walk into daycare by
himself. She followed, remaining a few steps back to give him the space and
independence he sought.
“So, what’s your
point?” I asked, feeling deflated.
“I kept looking
over my shoulder,” he replied, “to make sure my mom was still there.”
It was a good
reminder that our children will be constantly looking over their shoulders,
even when they get old enough to roll their eyes and say, “Mom, can you give me
some space?”
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