Modern Mishpocha: Inclusion – Make the day sparkle for exceptional parents and kids

Jen Perzow

By Jen Perzow

I have a confession to make. Parshiot (Torah portions) that reference technical details such as those related to the Mishkan (Tabernacle), priestly clothing, and korbanot (Biblical sacrifice) are not usually among my favourites. Never mind trying to draw parallels to parenting! And yet, it is so appropriate that Parsha Terumah concludes February’s Jewish Disability Awareness, Acceptance and Inclusion Month.

In Terumah, we receive detailed descriptions of how the Mishkan should be built. These are specific instructions intended to create a physical space for holiness. The purpose for which the Mishkan is built – to create a space in which God can dwell amidst us – is the essence of the building. The technical specifications are important but they are supporting characters to the true objective of giving something ethereal and holy a physical space and presence.

My observation is that we may sometimes take the opposite approach when it comes to inclusion. We focus on structures that may facilitate inclusion but not always with a mindset of truly wanting to do what it takes to be inclusive. Structures and actions can represent our faith, gratitude and spirituality. But like an accessible ramp that goes unplowed after a huge snowfall, it takes a legitimate desire to consider other people’s lived experiences to actually make that ramp a useable tool and an authentic metaphor for inclusion.

“I couldn’t do what you’re doing.” I’m quite sure that every parent who has had the privilege of parenting a child with exceptionalities has heard this at least once from a well-meaning friend or family member. The truth, though, is of course they would. Parents of kids with exceptionalities didn’t get to stay after school for advanced classes in parenting. Neither they nor their children were consulted first and asked whether or not they were up for the task. For the most part, they got thrown into situations without the knowledge or skills to be able to handle difficult situations. And then they adapted. Like so much in life, inclusion is fundamentally about attitude. As a friend so aptly said, it’s about adopting a problem-solving as opposed to a problem-finding mindset.

Exceptionalities bring with them their own adventures. Living with them and parenting kids who have them can be isolating and frustrating and we tend not to speak openly about our challenges and successes. How incredibly fortunate we are to have JOIN, the Jewish Ottawa Inclusion Network, as a resource for parents supporting kids with exceptionalities and to offer consultative coaching to institutions that are trying to do better.

You know what is really going to make the day sparkle for one of our fellow exceptional parents? When things go as they are supposed to. When they can park in the accessible spot at school because other people who don’t have accessibility needs have been mindful not to park there. When they can get in and out of buildings with ease. When their children can participate in class because thoughtful and appropriate accommodations have been made.

The millions of details that we mostly take for granted every day: I know these can seem like little things and sometimes we get tired of people pointing them out time and time again. But they are so much more than that. They are representations of authentic inclusivity.

When those things go right it’s like a ray of sunshine. It is building something holy into our everyday experiences.

Have questions about JOIN? Would you like to be included in their Parent Support Group? Please don’t be shy. Reach out via their Facebook page or send an email to maddy128@hotmail.com.

Modern Mishpocha: Great technology debate and modern communication

Jen Perzow

By Jen Perzow

“Can you please put your phone away?”

That was the first thing I said to my teenage daughter as we sat down to write this column together. We had fun coming up with different topics to explore. Considering the season, I proposed that we write about gift giving. What makes a better gift – things or experiences? She countered that the article would be more interesting if we argued different sides of an issue and tried to identify points of consensus. Seemed like a reasonable approach to a parenting article.

We quickly identified technology as a common irritant between parents and children.

Most of you reading this are all too familiar with challenges related to device time. Technology raises a long list of concerns for parents. We are concerned that device use disrupts sleep, results in addiction, and exposes our kids to unnecessary (and potentially very frightening) risks. They ruin a child’s ability to focus and concentrate and have a detrimental impact on our ability to communicate with one another. Have you heard that the inventors of all of this technology don’t let their kids use it? It may be an urban legend, but if so, it captures a certain fear and disquiet that many parents share with respect to technology.

Insert adolescent eye roll.

My daughter thinks that many parents overreact and treat phones as the root of all evil.

“You think that using a phone automatically means you don’t sleep, that you never do anything else, that you do badly in school and that you don’t have any kind of social life.”

“The reality,” she shared with me, “is that if you’re not allowed to have any technology you can’t have a social life, you can’t do well in school, and it is very hard to do things because communicating is very much online.”

Bonding happens and friendships develop through device use. I’m told that she has missed out on conversations, inside jokes and experiences because she is not allowed to text late at night (but she’s still not allowed).

“If you never talk to your friends, you won’t have a friendship. Texting is the new talking so if you don’t text your friends you’re not going to have a good friendship for very long.”

My daughter also reminded me of a perceived hypocrisy in our home. According to her, parents often tell kids to limit their screen time but spend much more time on their phones than kids. I agree that there is certainly some validity to that observation. Most of us spend a lot of time on our phones. Many of us acknowledge that we need to improve our relationship with technology. I have a hard time convincing my children that I use my phone differently than they do. I’m working, I’m paying bills, and I’m signing up for activities. It’s easy to justify device use. But honestly, are there not times that we are also just wasting time?

How can we expect kids to manage technology that we as adults don’t know how to manage?

Shabbat is a great reminder and opportunity to take regular breaks from technology. My daughter concedes that socializing at shul and spending time with family and friends leaves little time to miss technology. However, she quickly adds, “If it was like that all the time then I would fail at life.” And then asks if she can go back to her phone.

There is a big difference between using devices as entertainment and using them as fundamental tools of communication. My daughter’s belief is that technology is vital to kids. Not because they are addicted to it, but because access is expected everywhere and by everyone.

Modern Mishpocha: Teaching kids how to manage their money

By Jen Perzow

My mom was ahead of her time. When I was a kid, she lamented the fact that many schools did not explicitly teach life skills such as effective communication, conflict resolution, mindfulness, and handling the variety of tasks associated with adulthood such as managing money.

Conventional wisdom and common sense tell us that we can’t give something that we don’t have and that we can’t teach what we don’t know. I knew that I wanted my children to be raised with greater financial acumen than I had growing up.

Like many smart, educated, professional people (women and men), I knew the basics of how to manage money but I felt that there was more I should know and do. I was inspired hearing a local woman, Doris Belland, speak about women and investing at an Ottawa Na’amat event some years ago. When I found out that she was launching the Women’s Money Group, a financial literacy workshop for women, I signed up immediately.

Indulge me for just a moment. Close your eyes and think about your earliest memories of money. Was money discussed in your home or was it a subject that no one spoke about? What messages did you receive from your parents and other caregivers about money? What feelings were associated with it?

These were among the very first questions Doris asked at the first Women’s Money Group meeting. Nary a budget or excel spreadsheet in sight. That first meeting encouraged me to think critically about my own biases and emotional reactions to money. As my awareness increased, I tried to be more aware of the beliefs that I was passing on to my kids.

I started introducing some key principles that had the most direct impact. When the kids asked for things, I would present them with choices. Yes, we can go back to Canada’s Wonderland for a second visit but that will mean that the money won’t be available for the aquarium. Which would you prefer? When the kids got cash for a birthday or Chanukah, we’d discuss dividing it into save, donate, and spend. My kids had been using EchoAge for their birthdays for a number of years, so they were familiar with and supportive of the concept of incorporating tzedakah into gift giving and receiving.

When the modest growth in their youth bank accounts showed them the tangible results of saving as opposed to spending every last cent on Lego and Playmobil (so many little pieces), it was time to introduce investing. I was so excited to share the magic of compound interest with my kids! I admit, the initial reaction was not positive. It’s one thing to see money growing in a piggy bank or bank account knowing you can access it anytime. Quite a different story to say we’re going to take that money and put it somewhere where you can’t access it for months or even years. I had to remember the challenges of delayed gratification.

As they get older, they will make more of the decisions about what happens with their money. No, it’s probably not a great idea to put all of your money into that new wallet that you aren’t used to carrying around. I let them do it anyway and then wipe away the tears when, inevitably, it gets lost and the money is gone. Better to make painful mistakes when they are young and the stakes aren’t so high.

Teaching our kids to have a healthy and productive relationship with money starts with the recognition that our thoughts and feelings about money have a tremendous impact on our ability to effectively use money as the powerful tool that it is.