Modern Mishpocha: Teshuva is not always easy to teach or model for our children

Jen Perzow

By Jen Perzow

Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are two of my favourite holidays. I love the spirit of introspection and renewal as we reflect on the past, make amends, and make our supplications (in whatever form they make take) for a peaceful and healthy year. Apples, honey, challah and grape juice (or wine) don’t hurt either!

Teshuva (repentance) is a central theme at this point in our Jewish year yet it is a core value that is not always easy to teach or model for our children. Teshuva is about accepting responsibility for our actions and seeing our faults or mistakes without shame but with an intention to always grow and improve. The literal translation is ‘return.’ Returning to our true selves, our true belief systems and to being the best people we can be.

I am a firm believer in the power of personal growth. It is one of the many amazing abilities bestowed upon human beings. Granted, we are not always open and ready to change. Sometimes we lack the desire, insight or tools to be able to do so. Teshuva is a productive and positive ritual that takes us through the process of change and personal growth allowing us to understand ourselves and others, rectify mistakes, and propel us to greater heights and abilities.

Some years ago, a PJ Library book entitled Sorry is the Hardest Word arrived at our home. Perhaps you’ve got a copy of it as well. The story follows a bird who comes to learn both the challenge and importance of apologies. Few people enjoy apologizing but it is a skill central to both the act of teshuva and the process of personal growth for children and adults alike.

Should kids be forced to apologize when they’ve done something wrong or hurtful? While I certainly have been known to request (um, demand) an apology from my kids, the most meaningful apologies come without any coercion. Kids know when an apology is genuine and they certainly know when it’s not. Forcing kids to apologize immediately and before they’ve had a chance to process the reasons for their actions does them a disservice. Some of my most sacred parenting moments have come when, without any intervention from me, I overhear my kids saying to one another “I’m sorry – do you want to regroup?” Regret transformed into changed behaviour is true teshuva and you can’t always rush that.

The inherent purpose of a time out is to allow the person – child or grown up, we all need them from time to time – a chance to calm down, consider both the reason for and impact of an action, and identify some ways to make amends. I prefer to think of it as “taking space” because it leaves behind the punitive connotations that so many of us and our children associate with time outs. Whatever you call it, the more we are in the habit of stepping away to regroup and reflect in or after a tense moment, the more our kids will learn to do the same. Focus shifts from shame and punishment to understanding, restitution and connection.

It is equally important to remind ourselves and teach our kids how to forgive. Forgiveness is not an endorsement of unacceptable behaviour. Forgiveness is a release of anger, hostility and expectation. Sometimes kids will need to forgive and forget. Sometimes they will need to forgive and remember. Either way, forgiving oneself and others is an essential component of teshuva and personal growth.

Shana Tova Umetukah. Gmar Chatima Tova. Have a Sweet and Happy New Year. May You be Inscribed for Good.

From the Pulpit: We are all in this together

Rabbi Idan Scher, Machzikei Hadas

By Rabbi Idan Scher

Congregation Machzikei Hadas

Sometimes you read a story and it seems so simple. But on reflection, you realize how powerful it actually is. That happened to me when I read this little fable:

There was once an old farmer living on his farm with his animals. One day, a mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning to all of his fellow animals. “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The chicken heard the mouse’s warning, raised her head and said, “Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is of grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. A mousetrap won’t trap me. I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the sheep and told him, “There is a mousetrap in the house.”

The sheep sympathized, but said, “I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray for you. Be assured you are in my prayers. But honestly, I am little affected by it.”

The mouse turned to the cow and pleaded for help. She said, “Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you, trust me you will be in my thoughts and prayers.”

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house – like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer’s wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.

Now of course, hot chicken soup is the best medicine for a fever. So the farmer walked off to the farmyard to fetch the soup’s main ingredient.

But his wife’s sickness continued, so friends and neighbours came to sit with her around the clock. To feed all of the visitors, the farmer slaughtered the sheep.

The farmer’s wife did not get well and she passed away. So many people came for her funeral the farmer had to have the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

We pray every day. And on the High Holy Days, which are soon upon us, we pray even more. And so many of our prayers are not said in the singular only for ourselves. Rather, they are said in the plural, for all of humanity.

But as we pray, and as we pledge allegiance to this holy endeavour of caring about others, it cannot be just lip service – “You are in my thoughts and prayers.” Radical and active empathy is called for, just as if we or someone very close to us was suffering. This story warns us that if we don’t take this seriously then we ourselves may eventually be struck, because we are all in this together. But more importantly, as much as we may try to convince ourselves otherwise, if we truly cared about our fellow human beings we would respond to their suffering just as we would respond to the suffering of someone who we are very close with.

This High Holy Day season is the time to open our hearts and to truly be there for those that so badly need it.